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 01.16.05 - 12:13 am Ya know those letters you get in your e-mail, the ones from people claiming to have a fortune and needing your help for some crazy reason to get it? I never read those things. Actually, I'm almost insulted that some person thinks I might be sooooo amazingly stupid as to believe their absolutely ridiculous story. I mean, I know damn well some unlucky refugee isn't sending me those e-mails and that they're from some a-hole with nothing else better to do! I got one today, and for some reason, I was compelled to read it and write a little critique of sorts. So here's what turned out to be quite a hateful response to an e-mail from "jessa@studmail.com": Subject: pls help me and my kids (An original subject line, n'est pas? At the very least, it could have said, "Please help my children and me.") DEAR FRIEND, Friend? Who the fuck are you?! And why are you writing in all caps? HOW ARE YOU? Great. Today I killed a homeless woman and ate her heart. And you? I PRAY THIS MESSAGE REACHES YOU IN GOOD HEALTH, I AM MAKING THIS CONTACT BASED ON MY PRESENT CONDITION, BASED ON TRUST,FAITHFULNESS AND HOPE IRRESPECTIVE OF THE FACT THAT WE HAVE NOT MET OR SPOKEN BEFORE,AND BECAUSE OF MY PRESENT PREDICAMENT AM ABOUT TO INTRODUCE TO YOU, I WANT TO REMAIN POSITIVE THAT YOU WILL HEAR ME OUT AND UNDERSTAND MY FULL INTENTIONS OF CONTACTING YOU. Hey retard, any third grader who paid attention in English class could tell you that “sentence” is what is called a “run-on”. Stop using so many commas. I noticed you missed adding several spaces between words. Ever hear of spell-check, dumbfuck? I ALSO WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL BE CAPABLE OF HELPING ME OUT AND HANDLING THE COMPLETION OF MY DREAMS FOR MY CHILDREN, WHICH WILL ALSO BE BENEFICIAL TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY TOO. No, I don’t like helping people, even if it would benefit me or “my family”. I AM MRS JESSICA SAVIMBI FROM ANGOLA,I GOT YOUR CONTACT FROM THE INDUSTRY TRADE DIRECTORY OF YOUR COUNTRY,AM ABOUT TO SHARE WITH YOU AN INFORMATION WHICH MEANS A LOT TO MY LIFE AND THE FUTURE OF MY FAMILY AND I WANT IT TO REMAIN CONFIDENTIAL BETWEEN US. Sure, I’ll keep it confidential. Heh >:-) MY LATE HUSBAND UNITA REBEL LEADER JONAS MALHEIRO SAVIMBI WHO WAS KILLED BY THE ANGOLAN MILITARY FORCE *points and laughs* Haha, your husband is DEAD!!! AS A RESULT OF THE ISSUE OF MINERAL AND DIAMOND ALLOCATION,DEPOSITED THE SUM OF $10.5M GOTTEN FROM THE SALES OF DIAMOND SMUGGLED INTO NEIGHBOURING COUNTRY IN A SUNDARY ACCOUNT WITH A BANK IN AFRICA, Why the fuck do you think I care?! PRESENTLY AM NOW A REFUGEE DUE TO THE WAR, THE DEATH OF MY HUSBAND AND THE SEIZED ME OF OUR BELONGINGS.I CAN NOT MAKE WITHDRAW OF THE FUND DUE TO MY PRESENT STATUS AND BECAUSE THE FUND WAS DEPOSITED WITH A FOREIGN PARTNER AS BENEFICIARY, That’s some really bad luck. Good thing it happened to you and not some undeserving person who knows how to properly type. THIS WAS USE AS A CODE FOR SECURITY REASONS.I HAVE IN POSSESION OF ALL THE DOCUMENTS.WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS TO ASSIST ME TO GET THE FUND WITHDRAW AND TRANSFERED TO YOUR COUNTRY WHERE I AND MY CHILDREN Oh, you have kids? Are they as brutally retarded as you? CAN BEGIN A NEW LIFE.WE SHALL OPEN A SMALL ACCOUNT WITH THE BANK IN YOUR NAME WHERE THE FUND WILL BE TRANSFEED TO AND THEN TRANSFERED TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT.I WILL GIVE YOU 15% OF THE MONEY FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE. THERE IS NO RISK IN THIS TRANSACTION, I WILL BE EMPLOYING THE SERVICES OF A LAWYER TO ENSURE THE LEGALITY AND SAFETY OF THE FUND.I WILL USE THE REMAINING MONEY FOR AN INVESTMENT IN YOUR COUNTRY FOR THE FUTURE OF MY CHILDREN. NO!!! You and your damn kids stay out of the United States! There’s enough dumb people here already! The fact that George W. was reelected is proof of that. *rare political zinger* IF YOU ARE INTERESTED AND CAN MAINTAIN THE VERY CONFIDENCE OF THIS TRANSFER PLEASE CONTACT ME IMMEDIATLY.I WILL LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT PRESENTLY AM A REFUGEE IN LOME TOGO BECAUSE OF THE KILLING OF MY HUSBAND, I’m glad your husband is dead, and I’m glad you are a refugee. I hope you are stuck living some place where people have to drink from the same river that their cattle piss in. I HAVE THREE CHILDREN TWO BOYS AND A GIRL. It’s your fault, not mine, that you got knocked up so many times, whore! AN AGREEMENT WILL BE WRITTEN BETWEEN YOU AND ME BEFORE THE TRANSACTION. AWAITING YOUR URGENT REPLY MRS JESSICA SAVIMBI. I never reply back to those things; I’m sure if I did I would get a ton of spam or computer-destroying viruses back. However, if I didn’t care about those things, this is what I’d write back. Jessica Savimbi, I’m glad to hear you are a refugee. I hope the Angolan military finds you and slaughters you like the filthy whore-pig you are. I wish better luck to your children; I hope they are sold into slavery. Your sons can have a bright future working in those dangerous diamond mines and your daughter could become very popular with the local AIDS-ravaged pimps. Maliciously, Kalisa PS- Your husband deserved to die. No one likes a rebel. Later: MAN! I reread that, and I can't believe how mean it sounds! Haha! Sometimes it amazes me the vile things that spill out when I open up my brain. But boy, it sure was fun to write. I have a feeling some of that evilness comes from the fact that I wrote it very shortly after coming home from work. Being nice and friendly all day to everyone rots my insides a bit, I think. Heh. Well, since it pays the bills and actually doesn't make me feast upon the bodyparts of the derelict, I suppose working isn’t so bad :) And speaking of work, I've got to go to sleep now so I can make it through another day of work tomarrow. I got more hours this week, thank goodness. Girl's gotta pay her bills, after all. 
(Bad Beast-Man! No eating Neko!) OH! I almost forgot: today at work a male coworker was telling me about a movie, and he said, "You and your boyfriend should go see it". That makes me angry, when men attempt to use that trick. For once, I was able to catch myself in time, and bit my tongue as I replied "Hmm." I really wasn't in the mood to, as I usually do, proudly announce that I am single, and then be slapped with the "Why are you single?" question. What the hell?! Why do people always ask me that? Maybe its because they'll never know what it's like to enjoy being alone AND loving it. I'll be honest, sometimes I do think it would be nice to be dating someone. However, that thought rarely crosses my mind; and when it does, it's only reflected on for maybe 10 seconds before something more interesting catches the attention of my brain. I mean, damn! Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I should be or want to be in a frikkin' relationship. I love my "me" time, and I hardly have enough time to work on the projects I want as is. Heh, I'd probably make for quite the absent girlfriend. It will take quite an interesting man to get and keep me around. He'll have to be more interesting than my art projects, and right now I don't know any boys like that ;) I admit I am very selfish when it comes to my time and who I spend it with. And nooooow... It's time for sleep! Yeay! Good night world! Sleep well knowing that Kalisa is too happy to destroy yooooooou!!! Mwa-ha-ha!!!!!! Back & Forth Previous Adventures of Doom! Villains need to eat too (unless they are robots, of course). - 11.27.05 Tips for making laundry easy. - 11.23.05 Detroit museums and baklava. - 11.20.05 My affair with the Scotch Craft Stick. - 11.18.05 |
